In a therapy session, I was challenged to describe myself without the attachment of a role. This is a lot harder than I originally thought. I’m a good husband, nope… role. I’m a good father, ehhh… try again. I am a hard worker… again. I am a great leader… AGAIN.

I am resilient. Hmmm, let’s see where this goes.

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I am going to share a bit of my personal journey with depression and anxiety.

Let me start with, “I am in a good place right now!” The blog posts this month will come from my writings through therapy. This post is a conversation with my inner child.

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I am going to share a bit of my personal journey with depression and anxiety.

Let me start with, “I am in a good place right now!” The blog posts this month will come from my writings through therapy. This week’s post is when I was in a pretty bad place mentally, but don’t worry, I’m good now!

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I am going to share a bit of my personal journey with depression and anxiety.

Let me start with, “I am in a good place right now!” The blog posts this month will come from my writings through therapy. This first one I was asked to write, “What am I when I remove all of my masks?”

I was captivated, I needed more information. To the internet Robin! I started down the rabbit hole. First I wanted to learn more about buffalo in general, so I found an article 15 Facts About Bison (U.S. National Park Service) (nps.gov) It was really interesting, then I looked up specifically what Kimberly had told me and came across this quote by Wilma Mankiller, dope name right? “Cows run away from the storm while the buffalo charges toward it - and gets through it quicker. Whenever I’m confronted with a tough challenge, I do not prolong the torment, I become the buffalo.”

I so desperately wanted to be, Batman. Batman was strong, Batman was smart, Batman didn’t let bullies pick on little kids. He has an unbreakable moral code, he does not bend from what he believes in, he’s a force of nature all his own. He took the tragedy of his childhood and transformed it into power, he became something more. In my world of chaos, I wanted… no, I needed, that kind of structure. Batman was who I aspired to be!

Have you ever thought that you must be in a dream because none of this is making sense? I was just standing there, trying to figure out what was going on. How in the heck do I have an arrest number? Is this some messed up joke? Am I being punked? Ashton? Where’s Ashton? Wait… am I gonna try and leave and then they’re gonna swarm me? Is this how they decided to arrest me? A sneak attack? “Ma’am, really, I’ve never been arrested; I don‘t want to go and still have an arrest warrant out for me.”

I’m sitting in the car, trying to NOT look suspicious. Have you ever tried to NOT look suspicious? Guess what? You look REALLY suspicious!!! So, I’m sitting in the car and the text I receive just says, “RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN”…… No context, no instructions, just… “run”. So, what do I do? I run… non suspiciously though… right! I’m out! I’m trying to get outta there as fast as I can without looking like I’m running from the police on their home court. I have to imagine it looked something like this, you remember when you would be at the pool and playing tag or whatever and running trying to get the other person and your mom yells at you to stop running, so you super powerwalk saying, “I’m not running?” That’s what I imagine. Ok I gotta get some cover, that’s what people do right? Get cover. I remember that from the war movies, “Get to cover!!!”

 “Yes sir, that’s what I’m telling you.”  So panic ensues. I ask for the DA’s office number, I ask for the Public Defender’s office number, I ask who the detective is over the case, I even ask who the judge is that I am assigned to. I hang up the phone and just sit there, staring off into space with a blank look on my face trying to figure out what the heck is going on here. I call Kimberly, what was supposed to be a triumphant phone call where I tell her I knew that she was wrong, turned into me just sputtering.

“Baby, I need you to call the courts in Las Vegas and make sure that this isn’t a real thing.” Internally I was thinking, “Seriously, you have a “bad dream” about some BS that we got in an email from over a year ago and you want me to spend my lunch hour calling the courts in Las Vegas???” Externally I said, “Ok.”

Clearly… I am a bad dude! Clearly they think that I am a threat. As I come to this realization my saunter turns into a strut. I am walking with confidence. My shoulders are back, my chest is out. I feel powerful. And around every corner there is another Target employee. Just waiting for me to walk by. They were on their Walkie Talkies talking to each other, they were coordinating. They knew the direction that I was going and they had someone waiting there. Am I the baddest dude on the planet? I sure felt that way. I continued to strut down the main aisle making my way around the store. Every time I saw a new employee I would look them right in the eyes and give them the “What’s up?” head nod. “Yeah… they don’t want none of this!” I am an “all hands on deck” level threat. I am the baddest dude alive!

Then life moved on, as it does, time passes and the next thing I knew it’s 2022. Don’t get me wrong, a ton has happened since then, but here we are and I’m itching to do something, to make something happen. I’m tired of merely existing. It’s time to get out of my own way and start… something.