Trapped in the Darkness

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I am going to share a bit of my personal journey with depression and anxiety.

Let me start with, “I am in a good place right now!” The blog posts this month will come from my writings through therapy. This week’s post is number 2/3 when I was in a pretty bad place mentally, but don’t worry, I’m good now!

I am not ok. I have been dwelling in the darkness for far too long and it is consuming me and my every thought. I need to get it out of me. Its slowly destroying me from the inside. It is a struggle to want to live every day. I’m just tired of having to deal with it all. If I didn’t think that I would destroy lives by taking my own, I would have been gone long ago. I muddle through each day; I don’t find joy in much of anything. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I’m not going to act upon it, I can’t be the reason for someone else’s pain if I can stop it. I am just tired, tired of struggling, tired of not having a purpose.

If I have had experiences that can only be equated to a higher power, why am I so resistant to believe or accept Him. I easily tell myself that I was imagining the things that happened. I have no relationship or trust in a Heavenly Father. I can intellectually talk about Christ and the atonement; I can break it down to where other people are inspired by my words. I just don’t buy what I’m selling. So much of what I do is out of duty and honor, and it being “the right thing to do”. I don’t understand a reason for me to be here.

I just want to not exist anymore. I hurt, I’m tired, I can’t switch it off. How can this world be what it is and there also be a God? There is so much wrong with our world, what is the point? I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t pray at all. I don’t even try. What’s the point? I don’t feel like I have anyone looking after me. I don’t feel God’s love. I definitely don’t trust in Him. And why should I? For every good thing that has happened, there are countless bad. This just sounds like a pity party, poor Jason, he doesn’t have purpose, poor Jason, he just wants to stop existing. There are those out there with far worse than I am enduring. I am just too soft. The world doesn’t give a shit what I think or struggle with. The world just keeps on going. Time waits for no one. And I can’t seem to get off of the ride. There’s too much darkness in me. I play my role, I smile, act like I’m fine. But inside there is just… nothing. Nothing good anyways. I’m tired.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. This is just a stream of conciseness that is coming out of me for what ever reason. I don’t know why I can’t feel God’s love, I just don’t. I envy those who do, who have a strong relationship. I tried to before, I convinced myself that He was there. Don’t doubt God being there, doubt your doubts. I have no purpose. I just don’t think existing is worth all of this pain. If we are sent here from a kind and loving Heavenly Father, then why the fuck is there so much bad here, why is there so much evil here. Why is there so much pain here? I don’t feel anything as I write this. I’m just indifferent, that is the best way to put how I feel about being alive, I’m indifferent. I’m indifferent towards God’s love.

People at church will say to pray and listen, there’s no one there. Or I’m not really putting in the effort. Why don’t I just prove that there is no loving Heavenly Father by pouring my soul out to Him and watch as absolutely nothing happens.

God, my heart hurts, can you here me? I don’t want this body anymore, are You there? God, I’m hurting, if you can make it stop, then why am I still hurting, what did I do to deserve this? Why can’t I just be normal? Why am I so broken? Why am I so stubborn? Why doesn’t Jazz talk to me? Why am I in constant numbing pain. Why do I spiral out of control? Can you hear me? Why did you create me? I have no value or real things to give. I am just a master manipulator who just wants people to feel better about themselves.

Can you hear me? Can you feel my pain, can you feel my anguish? Do you even care that I hurt? Why was I destined to be this way, how did I offend you? Can you even hear me? Why don’t I feel your loving embrace that others claim to feel, why do I feel no warmth? Why am I so fucking broken? Why don’t I want to be alive? Why is everything so hard? Why is my first thought, to die? GOD, CAN YOU HEAR ME? I hurt, take away the hurt, make it stop, make it go away, please make it stop. Why aren’t you answering me? Why do I have to be here? I hurt, make it go away. I want to throw up. I hurt. Make it go away. Please make it go away. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to think about death every day. Why are you making me go through this? What did I do wrong? Tell me what I did and I will fix it. Why am I being punished? This pain is too much. The darkness is too much. I am weak and have no strength or power. Why is this happening to me? What did I do wrong? Why do I have to endure this? Why this much? When is enough enough? I am broken and feel like I am beyond repair. What do I do now? Pray? Have you heard this? Have you heard me pour my heart to you? Have you heard me sob and weep? Where are you? Are you really there? I will pray, dear Heavenly Father, I come to you for the first time in a very long time. Please show me the way, please heal me. Please give me the strength to want to go on. What will you have me do? How can I serve thee? How do I know that you are really there? I am lost, and cannot see the light, will you guide me? Please? How do I have faith how do I remember the good in the world? How do I let go of my fears? How do I feel your warmth? How do I feel your embrace? I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep. Are you truly a Father who loves and cares? What does that feel like? Please grant me faith. Faith cannot be given to me. Faith must be given from me. How do I show faith, if so much bad is around me? You don’t give in. You don’t give in to your anguish. You don’t give in to the beast. You know that I am there. Why am I writing like this? I don’t know how to trust in you. How do I do that? How do I know that I will be ok? I don’t know, that’s the faith. I don’t give in. how do I learn to trust you and others?

Father, I lay my life before you. I am your instrument, do with me as you will. Amen