Where Do We Go From Here?

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I am going to share a bit of my personal journey with depression and anxiety.

Let me start with, “I am in a good place right now!” The blog posts this month will come from my writings through therapy. This is post 3/3; a conversation with my inner child.

Hey kiddo,

I have failed you up to this point. All of these years I thought I was protecting you, us. I didn’t realize that I was not protecting you from the monsters in The Dark, that I had actually become the monster that we feared.

I feel that I need to explain, please don’t think that I am trying to justify my actions, I’m not. I just need you to know that it’s not your fault.

Bad things happened to you, very bad things. It’s not your fault.

You were forced to do bad things to others, it’s not your fault.

You tried so hard to be perfect and to follow all of the rules in hopes of stopping the bad things, you couldn’t be perfect, there is no way you ever could have, and it’s not your fault.

And your reward for all of that effort? You got left behind, I left you behind. I thought that I was protecting you from the monsters. I thought that I was hiding you from them. I was trying to save you from the world of monsters I thought that you were safe. . I didn’t realize that I was imprisoning you. I didn’t realize that I kept you in The Dark, and that you were afraid of The Dark.

I thought that I was protecting you, by getting bigger, and stronger. I thought that I was avenging you, by putting the world’s bullies that I found in their places. I thought that I was honoring you by punishing those who preyed on the weak. I was wrong, it’s not your fault.

Through all of the years of rage, I thought that I was being honorable, noble even. I never turned it towards innocent people. I never turned it towards the weak, I never turned it towards women, I never turned it towards children. I thought that I was better than those who betrayed us when we were the same, the same, little boy. I told myself that I was better than all of them, because I would not hurt those who could not take it.

That is why I focused the rage inwards, I was strong, I told myself, only I could take it. I could take the biting, when I was trying to tear the flesh from my arm with my own teeth. Only I could take the punishment when I hammered my head and temples with my fists, so hard that I saw the bright lights that shone when each strike landed. Only I could endure as I slammed my head into walls and through doors to just get the rage out.

I locked you away to protect you, I was trying to protect you. I wanted to protect you and all of those who couldn’t protect themselves. But most of all I wanted to protect you.

That is why I hid you away. That is why you were locked away. So that no one could ever find you. Because if they couldn’t find you, they couldn’t hurt you. I convinced myself that my child like heart was you, brightly shining through, because you were safe. I thought that I was letting you out to play. I didn’t realize how wrong that was. I was just showing you enough light to remind you that you were engulfed in darkness, because if you never saw light, how could there be darkness?

I realize now that I was only torturing you.

I misspoke, I said, “I realize”, that’s not entirely true. It’s more like, I was shown.  There are a few on this world that are chosen, chosen, enlightened healers. Those who were gifted with the talents and wisdom to truly, selflessly, help others. Who were given a calling, and were brave enough to take it upon themselves to use these gifts in the service of others. We have encountered such a person.

In one sentence she both shattered and aligned my psyche with true clarity. “You do realize that when you are hitting yourself, you really are just beating your six year old self, don’t you?”

I have never been more devastated or enlightened than in that moment, and it was at the same damn time. It was as if it all came crashing into focus. Clarity. It was then that I realized what really happened to you, where you truly were, trapped, shackled, in the darkness.

I wept. Not from anger of what I have done, but from joy in knowing where you were and that you were soon to be freed.

I wept, knowing, feeling, the pain that I inflicted upon us. I had to feel that sorrow.

I wept, knowing that I alone had the power to release you. I feel rejoice.

And here we are, in this very moment, finally reunited. Me, the large, strong adult body that was forged in the refiners fire to protect, and you, the loving, sweet child, who just wants to love, be loved and accepted, and play.

Where do we go from here? I’m not sure yet, all I know is that it will be hand in hand, together, as one. It’s you and me kid, imagine all the good we can do now that we are reunited, together, you the master, and me, the learner.